...speaking of "taking away the ghosts of your life" (see my teacher, Yogi Bhajan's quote in the sidebar),

two weeks ago one of mine definitely surfaced

i was working with my 30-yr-old files and came upon an old note written on a ripped-out, calendar page from Friday, December 22, 1990; it was buried in my file labeled: Guru Dev Singh Apts

Guru Dev Singh is a world-renowned, Sat Nam Rasayan healer who worked with me on and off over the years as i struggled through many courses of Relapsing Polychondritis, an auto-immune disease that eats the body's cartilage - MY CARTILAGE (like, my nose!)

so, i'm flipping through all these papers in that file and didn't really even register what it said - "decide whether to stop suffering or not".  on the same page, there was also a recommendation to take a specific homeopathic remedy and do a certain self-massage exercise. He also gave me a diet for when i was stronger

i just kinda scanned it (maybe i read it twice) and went on with my filing and studying that day, and then on with my life...

but, SOMETHING about it got me goin' in a spin and i started actin' out here and there in different fashions as the week progressed

here's how i know somethin's UP - i start counting on my food for more than the nutritional factor of it, looking for and partaking of my "comfort foods" in an unbalanced manner 

that means:  

#1, over-eating, beyond FULL, 

#2, craving and indulging in the oils, carbs and sweets departments, and 

#3, NOT FINDING SATISFACTION in terms of filling the HOLE that that behavior is covering up

AND, my sleep gets wierd in that i am more attached to hanging out with my pillow, beyond my body's need for true sleep.  much to my great surprise and now that i am happy in my life, i have found that i do fine with @ 5 hrs sleep at nite and an occasional 20 min nap in the day

anyway, this goes on for a while, and, of course, i notice it and, of course, it's buggin' me BIG TIME -  but, the best my psyche can do with it is hold it suspended there at the brink of realizing just what it is all about, teasing and torturing me with it, so to speak

pretty soon, doancha know, i get to be SUFFERING about it, obsessing over it mentally, thrashing it about in my head that i am OFF my healthy and balanced eating and sleeping routines which serve me so well to "keep up" and be happy in my daily life

i can't mess around in either of these areas (food and sleep) without hearing about it in the INNER-PEACE dept

so now, we're talking about a downright spiral-turned-syndrome, and i find mySELF UNHAPPY and BOTHERED - my freedom is GONE and this GHOST just moved in with me

aha - the perfect positioning!

now i get to FEEL IT cuz it's big enough that it really GETS MY ATTENTION and causes me to be suffering - BIG RED FLAG in my face! 

thus, the door opens up and i receive the blessing to "wake up and smell the coffee", as my Dad would say

it happened innocently enough, it happened when i was ready - i was pulling my car into the driveway one afternoon and just like that, that sentence POPPED across the screen of my awareness:

"DECIDE WHETHER TO STOP SUFFERING OR NOT"

THAT is what is bothering me!

WHY? WHY? WHY? did i not "get it" about that i had a CHOICE whether to suffer or not all the way back in 1990, WAY BEFORE i threw myself into further self-defeating/self-destructive/self-neglecting/self-sabotaging behaviors that evoked yet a few more killer-relapses, including the most recent, most serious and long-lasting one that took my hearing and left me with several other possibly-permanent, life-altering physical conditions to cope with?

????????????????????????

long story short, SUFFERING IS NO LONGER AN OPTION IN MY LIFE and once i become CONSCIOUS and AWARE of what my process and Highest Consciousness opens up for me, and THANKS TO ALL THE KUNDALINI YOGA, MEDITATION & PRANAYAMS (breath control exercise) that i practice daily, i have learned that i have many CHOICES in that 'sacred space', directions to turn for help and resolution - FRESH AIR to BREATHE into the contraction

"THERE IS A WAY THROUGH EVERY BLOCK!"       Yogi Bhajan

so

i decided to reach out to my dear friend and sometimes counselor, who i know to call when i need help busting through a block.  i hardly refer to her anymore because, after working with her for several DECADES (like since 1979 when i arrived in the jungle-swamp of Houston, TX), i ALREADY KNOW what she is going to say.  thus, she is the best teacher for me in certain realms, because she instilled in me a repertoire, gave me the ingredients, for independently and successfully 'opening the space' around and moving through the contractions that present in my life

but, this time i needed her help, her PERSPECTIVE, cuz my face was stuck right into the muck of it - the ghost HAD me all in a knot

this is what i got out of our conversation, and this is what i meditated and worked on with the intention to absorb it fully and allow it to become me

i know it is the truth when, not only does it RING true in my mind, it also FEELS GOOD

so, i buy it

...and here are my notes from that phone conversation. ...yes, i take notes in order to study and contemplate the parts that don't automatically sink in, the parts that i feel resistance to, so i can hash-over it until what i needed out of it sinks in and becomes second nature to me :

1 - all what happened to me is NOT ABSURD - it is my story and what i came here for; it was all perfect for what my soul came here for

2 - all that happened to me is NOTHING OUTSTANDING

3 - about me being SAD that it all happened - there's something about GUILT in that reaction

4 - NO JUDGEMENT

5 - NO JUDGEMENT 

6 - how does it serve my SOUL to be sad about it?

7 - NO JUDGEMENT

there you have it...

by the Grace of the Infinite, i processed through all of the above and learned the lessons of it.  i will write more about what all of that means to me and how YOU could pull some life-coping tools out of what i went through to come out into the LIGHT and release 'the ghost of it' 

truth is, by writing this, i came full circle with it, and thus i am handing it over in case there is a reason in YOU and your particular circumstance to be in the KNOWING of it

and i repeat:

the purpose, the goal, the commitment behind my blog will always be to share with you, on a LIGHT and high-frequency 'note', my process - IN CASE THERE IS A REASON IN YOU that can find a YOGIC TOOL therein for HEALING, ELEVATING and CELEBRATING yourSELF 

humbly                                                                                                    guruatma